The Final Season of Dancing with the Stars

Sooner or later there has to be a final season. That’s when they’ll be limited to the dregs of stardom, folks famous for dubious reasons or for being way past their prime. We used to call people like that “has beens.” Now I’m no fan of the program although I don’t hate it. I’ve seen it a time or two and and thought labelling some of the contestants as stars to be a little generous. A star is William Shatner. Steven Wozniak is not.

So who are my picks for the final seasons:

Gary Coleman. Now there’s some real star power. Never a real talent his 15 minutes of fame was predicated on being a pint size smart alec, in a mediocre TV show where Mr. Drummond’s white guilt led him to adopt Willis and Arnold. He’s mostly famous lately for a series of legal misadventures and a run for governor of California. All I’ve got to say about that is thank goodness for Ah’nuld.

Darva Conger. Anyone remember her? She was the lucky winner of that one shot Fox reality show, Who Want’s to Marry a Multi-Millionaire. And the prize was Rock Rockwell who turned out not to be a millionaire, but just some doofus the producers found somewhere. Actually Rick Rockwell would make a great contestant too, but since we’ve got Darva, we’ll let him stay under whatever rock he’s crawled under.

Brian “Kato” Kaelin. Well you can’t find more star power than that can you? Famous for being a house guest of OJ Simpson, a popular joke once circulated that he is proof that Gilligan and Ginger had a child together. Since his ascendancy to the ranks of stardom, he’s mostly made his living being a guest on various reality shows. He’s got that guest role down pat doesn’t he.

Judge Judy. The old jurist is fond of saying Beauty fades. Dumb is forever. Well guess which part of her life she’s in. Sheesh!! She makes Cloris Leachman look downright gorgeous. On top of that, her awesome Brooklyn accent ought to send all her fans into orbit!! She might even try to replace Len Goodman. A judge smackdown would naturally be shown during sweeps.

Jon “Johnny Fairplay” Dalton. What would the final season of dancing be without this mega-celebrity. From being a notorious contestant on Survivor: Pearl Islands, he has parlayed his carefully crafted heel image into multiple reality show appearances including once being bounced from some reality show for defecating on another contestant’s bed, and getting his six whooped by another huge star: Danny Bonaduce. Every good TV show needs a villain and he fits the bill.

Amy Fisher. The Long Island Lolita could use a Dancing appearance to springboard her to another week long tell all interview on Entertainment Tonight. This might be a chance to redeem her image since recent information indicates she has launched a pornographic website. Well since it will be the last season then why not have her as long as she promises not to shoot someone and keep her clothes on.

Ron Jeremy. As long as we’re on the subject of folks who make their living by less than moral behavior we might as well include the cultural icon himself. The sad thing is, of all the stars mentioned so far he may well have the most star power. I’ll bet a dollar to a donut that ol’ Ron has got some moves. Problem is, I really don’t want to see anything he’s got. Ron may be the grossest guy on earth. If he’s not he’s close to it. How he has managed to become a cultural icon, is beyond my ability to fathom.

Joyce Meyer. This will be her biggest platform to spread her aberrant theology. If she wins, then it was God’s plan for her to win, but if not, then maybe she didn’t have the faith she needed to have. See the gospel according to Joyce is that God loves you and has a wonderful plan for your life and wants you to be happy, healthy, and wealthy and it always helps if you send her money. Can I just say: heretic.

Fabio. Okay if you have been on the cover of every cheap dime store romance novel ever written that qualifies you as a star. Right? Or maybe it was the I Can’t Believe It’s not Butter commercial. Or maybe it was when he got hit in the face by flying geese while on a Busch Gardens roller coaster. That made him ahead of his time. Bird strikes just became fashionable earlier this year. In any event he ought to set afire the hearts of every lonelyspinster in the country. You know the type, they always have credit at used book stores and trade in a whole grocery sack full of romance novels at a time.

Lorena Bobbit. Who wouldn’t like to see her and a partner dance to Bryan Adams Cuts Like a Knife. Famous for an incredible act of revenge against her husband’s infidelities and abuse, she ought to appeal to militant feminists everywhere who also harbor sick fantasies about emasculating men everywhere. And just think about how many times they could make a play on words using the word “cut.”

Larry Birkhead. This guy is only famous for getting the late Anna Nicole Smith knocked up. But apparently that’s enough to be a mainstay of the grocery store gossip rags. With him on the show, we could hope for a quick exit due to an untimely injury or being voted off. Frankly he rivals Gary Coleman for being an “F list” celebrity. Choosing him is truly scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Nadya Suleman. Famous only for giving birth to eight babies, this piece of work ought to liven up the show. Only in this country could a half crazy woman gain fame for something like multiple births. Being essentially a welfare case, I suppose it is to her credit that she turned down a one million dollar offer to perform in pornographic movies.

Michael Vick Every season of Dancing with the Stars has a professional (or former professional) football player. Mr. Vick fits the bill. Possessing a million dollar talent and a five cent brain, Vick is now mostly known for getting caught, fighting and killing pit bulls. Talk about wasted talent. This guy could really have been something special in the NFL, but he let his thug side take over to placate his homies. He has yet to dance his way of of prison, although he should be released later this year.

Kelly Osbourne One of the dysfunctional Osbournes, she has been in rehab, gotten lots of tattoos, and had a well inexplicable feud with Christina Aguilera. She even called her fat. Okay pot calling the kettle black here. But Kelly really isn’t to blame for being just a little different. When your father is the famous former lead singer for Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne, it’s a miracle the girl is as sane as she is. She’s yet to try bat sushi as her famous father once did.

So there you have it. The contestants for the final season. You can’t scrape anything else off the bottom of the barrel. Now the show has to end.


4 Responses to “The Final Season of Dancing with the Stars”

  1. swingantho Says:

    “Long Island Lolita” is a worn out term for Amy Fisher. Today she is a beautiful, healthy wife, mother and successful star in adult entertainment. If you have a negative attitude about sexuality and porn, then you’ll have a negative attitude about Amy Fisher. Fortunately, not everyone has hang ups about sexuality and porn.

    I was fortunate to get an interview with Amy Fisher at my website – Swing! Adventures in Swinging by Today’s Top Erotica Writers.

    Jolie du Pre

  2. theworldofmojo Says:

    First of all, I am surprised anybody actually reads what I write other than a few close friends and family. Secondly, my blog post was intended tongue-in-cheek and was really a not so subtle jab at the people they have on the show who are not really stars in the conventional sense of the word. And thirdly it’s sad that Amy’s only recourse for employement is to trade in on her infamy by trying to appeal to the lowest common demoninator. You state that it’s fortunate that not everybody has hang ups about sexuality and porn. For you I guess it is indeed fortunate or you might actually have to get a real job and become a productive member of society rather than just being a smut peddler.

  3. Well, I skipped reading your post even though I loved the idea. However, the comment and your reply was definitely worth a read.

  4. Knowing Mojo from a friendly forum, I think he’s the most healthy individual I know, from all aspects. No hangups there! I wish there were about 50,000 Mojo’s in the world. 🙂

    And Mojo, you keep writing what you wish; after all, this is YOUR blog.

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